Thoughts On Infertility

In my blog "description" it says I'm waiting for motherhood.  I don't totally like how that sounds.  I'd rather it say something like: "I'm waiting for God to decide that the time is right for us to have kids.  I'm waiting for what I know will be a huge blessing and challenge.  I'm waiting for those little people who I miss, even though I've never met them before."  Amongst other things.

But that's a little too wordy, so I just went with "motherhood".  It's not so much that I want to be a mother, it's that I want kids.  And while I know that those things are never mutually exclusive, I do see a bit of a division in my head.  I am more looking forward to meeting them and getting to know them and live life with them, than just being the one who guides, teaches, and provides for them, though I am excited about that as well.  :)

Infertility makes me feel like I am somehow unworthy of getting to know these small people.  I know, know,  know,  know that this is not the case (there are so many people who are "unworthy" who have beautiful wonderful children).  But it's how I feel.  I feel like Jesus is reaching around me to hand people babies who are "behind me in line".  And I know that's not how it works, but that's what it feels like.  I have friends who weren't trying but got pregnant.  They weren't even standing in line and Jesus walked up to them, tapped them on the shoulder, and handed them their precious baby.

That's tough.

And while my theology isn't based on this, it has made my relationship with God somewhat awkward.  I still praise him and long for him and we have wonderful times in prayer and scripture and service together.  But, yes, it has been tough because every time I come to him, I am reminded that I "have not" the very thing I have asked for.

I have knocked and no door has been opened.  I have asked and not received.  I have sought and not found.  Every single prayer to him includes, "And please give us our children".

It's the huge baby elephant in the room and it is affecting my prayer life.

Do I keep asking and knocking (and kicking and screaming) like the persistent widow who finally got her way from the evil judge?  Or do I "Be still and know that he is God"?

I think it's somehow both and I am striving to understand this and grow in it.  So I have to elbow that baby elephant in the room aside and say "Make some room for me!". I still have to come before him, humble and ready for whatever he has for me, knowing it is good.  And knowing HE is good, even if I miss those little ones I've never met - I have met my Holy Parent and he's offering himself for me to fill my aching, empty arms with.