I have often been told that I'm a people pleaser and that I'm too sensitive. Honestly, I've seen myself in kind of a negative light for quite a while now. Thanks to my sweet husband, though, I am starting to change that view. When I say sensitive I mean that when someone makes fun of me or says something without thinking, it affects me. I very rarely burst into tears. I very rarely fall apart. But people can see that I am affected because I become really quiet. And apparently, this is not totally acceptable. Apparently, I should either, 1) not let it affect me at all (I guess I'll just have to become kind of plant) or 2) fly into some kind of rage, telling people what I think of them and their stupid idea.
I was telling a friend a while back about some different circumstances over the past several years in which I was labeled as too sensitive. At the time, I thought I was trying to be gentle, kind and humble (Honestly, I was trying to be humble in the strength of the Spirit) and as a result I got told that I was "emotionally sub-parr". That kind of stung. Well, not "kind of" - it hurt a lot. I have had many many people over the years (pretty much since I was about 13) tell me that I needed to be stronger and more assertive. I tried to be these things - without really knowing what definitions of "stronger" and "assertive" they were using. There were a few times where it worked out positively when I just "bucked up" but mostly, I just felt manipulative, pushy, rude and selfish. I decided that maybe next time I would be softer and more gentle. Then within a few months, someone else (usually an adult) would comment that I was too sensitive in _______ situation and I needed to show more umph. Well, this has gone on for 13 more years and frankly, I'm getting tired of it. As I read scripture, I get the feeling that we are supposed to be becoming more gentle. I don't see a lot about umph. I know that being sensitive can have it's short-comings, but I'm just going to throw out some other words for you to chew on. Instead of "overly sensitive", think: gentle, kind, helpful, not self-absorbed, mild, meek (as in "blessed are the..."), thoughtful, protecting (as in "love always..."), patient, slow to anger, self controlled, keeping a rein on her tongue, and concerned about other peoples' feelings more than just makings sure her opinion is heard. Roll you eyes if you want to, but maybe someone out there will understand what I'm saying. When will we stop valuing the pushy, rude, self-focused kind of traits that the world values and start valuing the traits that God says are good and blessed? Why have we taken negative traits and labeled them as good while taking what are positive traits and labeling them as negative? I'm not saying that I'm awesome, I'm just saying that I have sometimes felt a little misunderstood.
Wow - I wonder how many other blogs have ended that way?
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